


In the House of the Incubi

by CyanideCinnamon



Category: Seduce Me (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Asexual! Mika Anderson, Complete and Utter Chaos, Crack, Gen, I Don't Even Know, I Don't Know Where This Is Going, This is not what God or Michaela Laws intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-09-30 17:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17227994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyanideCinnamon/pseuds/CyanideCinnamon
Summary: Mika Anderson is surprised to find that five incubi have crossed into the human world and moved into her new house. Said five incubi are surprised to find that Mika is asexual, completely immune to their powers, and at least 300% done with their shit at all times. How will the story of this chaotic group unfold? I wish I knew, friends. I wish I knew.





	1. Assuming My New Home is Empty and Realizing I'm Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I'm quite certain Seduce Me fans will find the content of this story to be mild, but I rated it for language and bits of violence. Just in case!
> 
> If you somehow made it to here without realizing that I have no clue how this silly fic pans out, I have no clue how this silly fic pans out. I don't know how long it will be or where it's going, so we'll just have to find out together. However, I am going to keep any information from Demon War and the episode series out so that you only need to have played the first game to understand this nonsense.
> 
> In addition to making Mika asexual, I have also exaggerated the incu-bois' defining traits (e.g. Erik is even more flirtatious, James is the nerdiest nerd who ever nerd-ed, Damien is even more of a cinnamon roll) (Actually, I don't know about Damien; it may not be possible to make him more precious than he already is). This is just for ~Comedic Purposes~.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I know there are different variations of asexuality, and Ace Mika's experiences are based on my own. Just keep in mind that any number of asexuals could feel differently!
> 
> This story starts right when Mika arrives at the mansion.
> 
> Enjoy~

Standing before the mansion fills me with a strange sense of familiarity. I have stood before it many times before, but always as a visitor. Knowing that the mansion is my new home, that Grandfather isn't waiting for me inside is...odd. Almost uncomfortable. The steps creak in the exact same places as I walk up them. The designs on the door are the same. But as I turn my new key in the old lock, the heaviness in my stomach tells me it will be a while until I can think of this place as home. I open the door, revealing the familiar entrance hall.

And the very unfamiliar bodies on the floor.

I stop, nearly dropping my luggage on the doorstep in surprise. Of all the difficulties I imagined coming with living on my own, finding five young men passed out and bleeding all over my rug never even crossed my mind. They didn't tell me how to deal with this in home ec.

I take a tentative step toward them, trying to remember which bag I put my phone in. Then I realize how bad this looks. What if they're dead? What if they were brutally murdered? In  _my_ mansion? _What if the police think I murdered them?_

"Hello?" I call to them. "Hey, could you please not be dead?"

A reasonable request.

Suddenly, they begin to move. I jump back, clutching my bags to my chest. This is somehow worse than them not moving.

"Who are you?" I demand. Except it actually comes out as "Whuuuuuhhh?!"

My mastery over words established, I set my luggage on the floor, readying myself for combat and/or yelling for them to leave.

"Shut up," one of them grumbles as he stands. He looks like he could snap me in half if he wants to. Also, he looks like he wants to.

I am no longer ready for combat.

The Scary One steadies himself and strides toward me. No offense, but why couldn't it be the small one with the sweet face? I feel like I could take him if necessary.

Oh, wait a minute....

Before I can complete my thought, The Scary One is standing in front of me. His expression is fierce as he grabs my shoulders and leans toward me.

"You are going to kiss me," he growls.

_Excuse me?_

I am ten minutes into living on my own for the first time, and I've already had to deal with home invasion and sexual harassment. Luckily, I remembered something before The Scary One made his demand. Luckily, I came prepared.

I mace him.

The scene here is strange. The Scary One is doubled over, clutching his face and screaming "Shit!" repeatedly. The other four guys are standing now, looking horrified and confused. I'm tucking my pepper spray back into my pocket, feeling more than a little proud of myself.

"He deserved it," I say.

No one dares disagree.

* * *

Once everything has calmed down, one of the guys (tall and sporting an authoritative air; I have dubbed him "The Leader") tries to explain to me why they are trespassing.

"We did not realize we were trespassing," he says.

Fair enough.

The Leader explains how they needed a place to rest and how they thought the mansion was empty and so forth. I nod along, thinking it to be believable right up until the point where he claims they're incubi.

"I'm sorry," I interrupt, "you're  _what?_ "

"Incubi, miss."

I look at him, then at the other four individually.

"Is he okay?" I ask.

"He's fine," says the one with the long fringe who smirks a lot ("The Flirty One" suits him, I think). "And he is telling the truth."

Well,  _of course_ the one who sends me winks and flirtatious smiles every chance he has supports the idea that they're incubi. It was probably his idea in the first place. However, The Scary One, The Small One, and The Ginger all agree.

"Right," I say, crossing my arms. "Prove it."

The Leader nods and looks to The Flirty One. "Erik...?"

"If you insist," he says with a smirk.

"Oh, I insist." My voice is dripping with sarcasm, but the invitation seems to be enough for him. Although, I do catch him glance at the coat pocket where I stored my pepper spray. I suppress a smile.

This should be interesting.

The Flirty One—Erik—wastes no time in sauntering over to me and pulling me into a kiss. Now, I can't claim to being seduced often, but this is frankly underwhelming. Erik seems to feel the same way; he breaks the kiss and mutters, "What?" Then he shakes his head and kisses me again, deeper this time. Obviously the concept of someone not melting under his "incubus" touch is foreign to him. I'm sort of starting to feel bad for him.

By now Erik is kissing me desperately, like he's my star-crossed lover attempting to cling to me despite the cruel hands of fate tearing him away instead of some home invader I met twenty minutes ago trying to convince me he's an incubus while his four brothers watch us make out. Okay. I'm uncomfortable now.

I pull away from him, stifling a laugh as I notice his shocked expression. He really can't believe I'm not swooning, can he?

"So," I say, "this seems fake."

It's only then that I wonder whether or not asexuality has anything to do with it. It seems obvious, but if they were truly incubi, they might have  _some_ effect on me, right? Right?

Okay, maybe not. But incubi still don't exist, so it hardly matters. Yeah.

"I have never...," Erik mumbles before turning to his brothers. "James, you are not going to be believe this."

The Leader—James?—frowns. In fact, all of them look troubled. Almost more so than when I maced The Scary One.

"I didn't feel anything," Erik says.

I'm kind of offended for a moment, but same. Me too, Erik.

James makes his way over to us. He inspects me, frown deepening by the second. Why do I feel like I'm being studied by a mad scientist?

"I don't understand," James says. "There's not a trace of sexual energy around her at all."

"So I'm not crazy," The Scary One says, suddenly right beside me. "I thought the same thing before she  _attacked me._ "

Oh, he's still angry about that.

"Right," I say, "I'm actually asexual. I still don't believe you have incubus powers or whatever, but there you have it."

James scrunches his eyebrows together. "You're  _what?"_

"What does that mean, James?" The Small One asks. At this point, all five of them are studying me with a mix of curiosity and confusion written across their faces.

"I...I'm afraid I don't know."

"Really?" I ask. "It means I don't experience sexual attraction at all."

This has quite the effect on them.

James shakes his head and screeches something about his "research" while The Small One asks him if there are "really humans like that?!" The Scary One looks panicked and accuses me of lying. Erik seems to be on the verge of tears. And in the midst of all the chaos, The Ginger simply nods, remaining as quiet and calm as always.

"This is impossible," James declares. "I have done extensive amounts of research on humans, and it clearly indicates that all humans possess some sort of sexual energy. Do you mean to tell me that I have been given misinformation?!"

"If that's what you thought, then yeah."

Now he looks like he wants to cry.

"So anyway," I say, suddenly exhausted from dealing with them, "I don't mind you staying here for the time being since you have nowhere else to go, but you're going to have to put this incubus thing to rest. I still don't believe you."

"May I say something?"

It's The Ginger. I think this is the first time he has said anything.

"Sure," I say.

"I think if we stay here, you should at least know our names."

"Makes sense."

He smiles. "I see you have already figured out that 'The Leader' is James and 'The Flirty One' is Erik."

Wait, what?

"'The Flirty One'?" Erik asks. We all ignore him.

"The one you call 'The Small One' is Matthew," The Ginger continues, "and the one you call 'The Scary One' is Sam."

"Hey, I'm not the one who  _attacked_ —"

"Shut up," I snap at Sam. I turn back to address The Ginger. "If you're so smart, what do I think of you as?"

"'The Ginger'," he replies. "My name is Damien."

Panic churns in my stomach. I feel a bit guilty for snapping at him and Sam, but the most important thing at the moment is  _how the actual hell he knows all this._

"I apologize for prying that out," Damien says, "but I want you to believe us. We truly are incubi."

"Damien has mind-reading abilities," James explains, his composure returned now that mine is gone. "No human has that." Then his smugness makes way for mild panic. "They don't, do they?"

I shake my head, and he sighs in relief.

"Do you believe us now?" Matthew asks. His hopeful puppy-dog eyes were enough to make me relent.

"Fine," I say. "Maybe you really are inhuman. And you don't seem like bad people—or demons, or whatever—so make yourselves at home."

Truthfully, I just want to get rid of them so I can go upstairs and take a nap. It's been quite the day, and from the looks of this strange band of alleged incubi, it's going to be quite the time having them here.


	2. And We Were Roommates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika and the incubi adjust to their new lives. Also, Suzu and Naomi come to visit. Surprise parties and an adorable(?) plush bunny in the house of the incubi.  
> Oh, my God. We were roommates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, I will update this story every two weeks. I would love to work on it more often, but that just isn't going to work. Please stick around and expect the third chapter two weeks from now!
> 
> Thank you for reading!

I awake to my find myself in Grandfather's home, tucked into the bed of my favorite room.

Wait, no. It's _my_ home now. And I share it with five...incubi. Ugh. Who stole my life and replaced it with this crazy fantasy drama? I just want to talk.

The clock on my phone tells me it's morning, which is odd considering I only laid down for a nap. I guess that's what living a crazy fantasy drama does to a person. Great. I step out into the hallway, still wearing Hello Kitty pajama pants and an oversized T-shirt, but who cares? Who am I supposed to impress? The five incredibly attractive young men downstairs? Pfft, nah.

I make my way toward the kitchen, and I'm surprised to find that breakfast has already been made. The incubi sit at the dining room table before what I can only describe as a feast. I take a brief moment to lament over the fact that I would now have to buy groceries for six people instead of one.

"Good morning, miss," James says, always one to take the lead. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah." I'm fighting to tear my gaze away from the food.

"I would hope so," Sam snorts. "It's been fourteen hours. We thought you were dead."

"No," I say, "you just exhaust me."

" _I_ exhaust _you?_ Can't wait to see how well I sleep tonight, then."

"Feel free to sleep through your entire visit."

I think we're bonding.

"Anyway," James cuts in, "I took the liberty of preparing breakfast. I hope you don't mind."

I look back at the food. I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not mind.

"Nope," I say, plopping down onto the nearest chair. "I'm sure this is just as weird for you guys as it is for me, so make yourselves at home." I narrow my eyes at Sam. "Except you." He just glares in response.

Definitely bonding! And I was worried he would still be angry over the pepper spray thing.

I realize in the comforting lull of friendly conversation and piling unholy amounts of food on my plate that the cuts and bruises the incubi had before were all but vanished. I had shown them were the first-aid kit is, but...no. This is definitely another bit of proof that they're not human. I really am eating breakfast with a group of demons, aren't I?

Once I have finished preparing the perfect array of breakfast on my plate, Matthew calls my name. I was so absorbed by the food and my own thoughts that I hadn't even noticed he's sitting beside me.

"Mika?"

I tear my loving gaze away from a pile of scrambled eggs. "Yeah?"

"I want to give you something to say thanks for letting us stay here," he says with a smile that radiates pure sunshine. I'm about to tell him that he's too sweet, but it's really not necessary, when he literally materializes a gift out of thin air.

This blatant disregard for the laws of physics has me shaken. That is, until I see what the gift actually is. I take one look at the plush bunny with its tiny knife and murderous glint in its little eyes, and all I can feel is pure, unadulterated adoration.

" _THAT IS THE MOST ADORABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!_ "

However, Matthew doesn't seem to agree.

"Wait, what—that's not what I—it's _not_ adorable!"

"What is it?" Erik asks.

"The love of my life!" I answer.

Matthew holds up the plush, earning looks of concern from the other incubi.

"What the hell is that thing?" Sam asks.

"The love of my life!" I insist.

"I have no idea what it is," Matthew says.

I sigh in exasperation. "It's the love of my life. Why don't you people listen?"

Then the plush—brace yourselves— _laughs_. Okay, maybe it's more of a cackle, but it's definitely the cutest sound ever. I squeal in delight at the exact same time Matthew screams in horror.

"Why is it so creepy?" he demands. "I've never made anything like this before."

I give a half-hearted shrug, my attention fixed on the love of my life. "Maybe your fancy incubus magic knew I would like it?"

"Maybe."

I look away from the plush and smile at him. "Thanks, Matthew. I love it."

Resigned to my decision, he smiles back. "I'm glad you like it."

Honestly, he's almost as adorable as the plush. I have to physically restrain myself from squeezing his cheeks like an elderly aunt.

"Well, are you going to name it?" Damien asks.

"Oh, right!" I turn back to the plush. "Hmm...I'm not sure what to name it. Any suggestions?"

"Fluffy?" Damien offers.

"Um...." James puts a finger to his lips as he considers. "Bunny?"

"Creepy-Ass Rabbit," Sam says.

I frown. "You're just describing it...."

"I know," Erik says. "Mika Jr."

"I guess that's...better...?"

"At least it's a real name."

"'Bunny' is a real name as well," James points out.

"It is," Erik says, "but that isn't why you thought of it, is it?"

James suddenly becomes very interested in his piece of toast.

I sigh. Apparently incubi are capable of a number of supernatural abilities, but they can't name things.

"Right," I say. "I'm going to call him Simon. Simon Tabby."

* * *

 After breakfast, Simon Tabby and I are unpacking in my room. Well, I'm unpacking. Simon was supposed to help, but he had disappeared, leaving me to fend for myself against the tedious task. Traitor. I defend him and pat his little head, and this is the thanks I get? (Not to mention how incredibly strange it is that he's a gift from an _incubus_ who _manifested_ him using _demon magic_ , and he _moves around on his own_.... This is my life now, I guess. Oh, God. What have I gotten myself into?)

I'm nearly finished unpacking when my phone rings.

"Hello? Mom?"

"Hi, sweetie." My mom's voice is strangely comforting, a bit of familiarity in all this nonsense. "How is everything?"

"Everything's fine," I say. "It's all very strange, though."

"Living on your own can be quite intimidating," she agrees.

Ha. Aha. Yeah, that's what I meant.

"But your father is organizing a housewarming party to help you get settled."

"Oh, really? When?"

"Well, he wants to have it tonight."

What.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Mom goes on. "I tried to call you last night, but you didn't answer."

"Oh."

There is a moment of silence as my exhausted brain tries to process yet another shock.

"Well, I had better leave you to get ready," she finally says. "I love you, Mika. See you tonight."

"Uh, yeah. Love you. Bye."

I toss my phone onto my bed and poke my head out into the hallway.

"Hey, guys!" I shout. "Do you mind if I scream?"

I don't hear any protests, so I let out a bloodcurdling scream. A muffled " _What the fuck?!_ " comes from downstairs, but I don't have a single regret. I feel better already.

I go back into my room with the intent to write up a list of all the things I would have to accomplish before tonight. Where did I put those notebooks...? There's a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I call.

The door opens to reveal Sam, a concerned expression on his face. "Did you just scream?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I needed to relieve stress."

He nods. "Is everything okay?"

"It will be," I say with a determined smile. He's being so sweet! I _knew_ we were bonding. "Actually—"

I'm interrupted by my phone ringing again.

"One second, Sam. Hello?"

"Hey, Anderson!"

"Suzu!" I smile as I hear greetings from both Suzu and Naomi. It feels like I haven't heard either of their voices in years, even though they called me before I arrived at the mansion yesterday.

"Guess who's at your door right now," Suzu says. I can practically hear her mischievous grin.

"Hmm, is it a pizza deliverer?" I guess.

"Nope!"

"The Queen of England? Beyoncé?"

"How long are you going to guess?" Naomi asks. I laugh at her exasperation.

Suzu laughs with me. "So, are you gonna let us in or what?"

I hear the doorbell ring a few times, courtesy of Suzu's impatience, no doubt. I don't realize the implications of this until I hear Matthew yell, "I'll get it!"

Oh. Incubi. No.  _No._

I throw my phone onto my bed and push past a very confused Sam, yelling "Nonononononono!"

It's too late. Matthew has already opened the front door and is engaging in an awkward staring contest with my two best friends. Who did he think was at the door anyway?

I offer an uncomfortable wave. "Uh, hi."

"Who are these guys?" Suzu demands.

"Guys"? Plural? I glance behind me to see the other four incubi congregated behind me. How wonderful. What a time to be alive. I could probably explain away one of them, but five?

I take a deep breath, ready to handle the situation with poise and elegance.

"Huh?" I ask. "Guys? What guys?"

Oh no, I panicked.

Suzu frowns. "Really, Anderson? You're just gonna pretend they're not there?"

"Who's not there?" It's not ideal, but I'm committed now.

I avoid eye contact with Naomi as best I can. Suzu I can handle, but Naomi? She's staring at me, looking scandalized to say the least, and I feel like I've disappointed my mother. I can feel my resolve start to crumble under the weight of the oppressive silence when James steps up.

"Pardon me, miss," he says before turning to Suzu and Naomi. "We are Miss Anderson's servants, sent here from her Grandfather's company."

"Did someone hear something?" I ask, looking around in mock confusion. I shoot James a look of  _I'm already committed to my story; you're not helping!_

He stares back at me.  _Your story was shit! I_ am  _helping!_

Wait, no. This is James. It's probably more like:  _Dearest mistress, pardon me for saying so, but your story was pure folly. If I may object, I am offering the best assistance I am capable of._

Hmm. You win this round, Mr. Fancy Pants.

"I believe Miss Anderson is merely shy about having servants," he explains.

"Yeah," I sigh. "It's weird living in a mansion complete with servants."

Naomi nods. "I understand, Mika."

"Would you like to come in, misses?"

"We just came to see if Mika wanted to spend the day with us," Naomi says, a pleasant smile replacing her earlier grimace. "We're going to the Pink Lady Café."

"We haven't decided that," Suzu cuts in. " _I_ want to go to the arcade."

"Yes," Naomi says with a sniff. "Of course you do."

I would love to spend the day with them, but.... I explain that I have to stay and prepare for the impromptu party tonight.

"You're welcome to come to the party," I say. "Actually, please do. I'm sure it's going to be full of company workers I'll be forced to talk to."

They agree to visit later. Once we say our goodbyes, I sadly close the door. The moment the lock clicks, the respectfully quiet incubi spring to life.

"What party?!" Sam shouts.

"Will there be food?" Matthew asks hopefully.

"Your friends are quite lovely," Erik says, a smirk playing at his lips.

"I just found out about it myself. Yes, there will be food, as long as I make it." I opt to ignore Erik.

I rub my tired eyes. I could definitely sleep for fourteen hours again. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I look up to see Damien smiling at me.

"It looks like your servants have their first job," he says.

James nods in agreement. "Don't worry about the party, miss. We will take care of it."


	3. Of Housewarming Parties and Screaming at Violent Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika and the boys get ready for the party. Also, a malicious visitor appears. Absolute madmen and Vine references in the house of the incubi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was writing this chapter, I accidently typed "Erk" instead of "Erik", and I laughed for like two whole minutes.

Between making me breakfast and helping me prepare for the party, I really feel like I've won the uninvited houseguest lottery. I mean, the boys could have been serial killers. Instead they're a lively bunch of housekeepers with demonic powers. What a time to be alive.

The boys—ugh, no, I don't like that. I can't decide what to call them. "The incubi" sounds so cold and impersonal; after all, they don't call me "the human". But "the boys" makes me think of We Dem Boyz, which is great, except it doesn't quite fit with the whole aesthetic they have built for themselves. It isn't the most important matter, but the feeling that there is a happy medium I'm not seeing is weighing on me. I find myself pondering these thoughts aloud as I check on Damien cleaning in the lobby.

"Why would you need to refer to us all like that anyway?" he asks.

"Oh, you know. Casual narration in my head."

He chuckles. "It's up to you then."

I sigh and draw a large question mark in my notepad. Drawing things in my notepad is my attempt at looking like I'm actually doing something; the incubi—boys? Incu-boys? Oh, that's good!—are already taking care of everything, so I have appointed myself manager. And writing things in a notepad is clearly what management is all about.

"You don't have to worry about doing anything," Damien says, as if he had read my mind. Oh, wait. He really did read my mind, didn't he?

"Well, I can't make you guys do _everything_."

"We don't mind. You're letting us stay here, after all."

I frown. "But you already made me breakfast. Besides, I really don't mind you all staying here; this place would get lonely if it was empty."

Damien smiles, and it's so heartwarming that it makes me smile too. I write "sunshine boy" in my notepad before moving on to the kitchen.

Matthew is in the kitchen, baking cupcakes like the little cutie-pie he is. He doesn't notice me come in, so I shout the first thing that pops into my head.

" _Can I get a waffle?!_ "

He whirls around, nearly dropping a measuring cup. "Can I _please_ get a waffle?!"

I'm so proud. And now I kinda want a waffle.

See, I referenced a Vine in front of him earlier, and once I realized he had never seen one before, I felt morally obligated to show him some iconic ones. Then that turned into watching Vine compilation after Vine compilation, and then the other incuboys joined in, and now I feel like I've shared an important part of human culture with them.

"What kind of cupcakes are you making?" I ask as soon as I stop giggling.

"Strawberry!" he chirps, an excited smile spreading across his lips. Adorable. I pat his head before I jot down "strawberry" on my notepad, ignoring the confused look he gives me.

I walk out into the dining room, doodling tiny Simon Tabbys in the margin of my page. Erik is arranging the table and humming softly to himself. I can't identify the tune, but it sounds nice. "Good humming," I scribble.

"So," I say as I make the g in "humming" all loopy and cute, "Matthew's taking care of the food, and Damien is staying out in the lobby....What are you doing tonight?"

He grins. "I think the question is  _who_ am I doing tonight."

" _Erik!_  Would you stop being a slut for two seconds and answer my question?"

He laughs at my outburst, grin widening. "Fine, but only for two seconds."

"Erik,  _no._ "

"Erik,  _yes._ "

I sigh. "Fine. That's none of my business."

"Well, it  _could_ be...."

"Absolutely not!" I shriek. He laughs again. "You're killing me, Erik. I'm dying. I've lost ten years because of you."

He smiles innocently and straightens the tablecloth. I leave before I can hear anything else I don't want to.

I wander out to the front yard where Sam is  _supposed to be cleaning, but instead he's—_ what is he doing? Tai Chi? It's either that or some form of elaborate interpretive dance.

"Hey!" I call. "Have you finished cleaning already?"

He turns to me and nods. Everything looks clean, too.

"That was quick," I say. "Don't tell me you have magical demon cleaning powers."

"What kind of stupid power is that?"

But as he asks this, I realize the true genius of what I just said.

"'Stupid'? I think it's a great idea. Never having to mop or do dishes...dust would evaporate at the snap of your fingers...the entire house just poofs into perfection."

Sam shoots me a concerned glance. "Right. My abilities more strength-related."

"Okay, we get it, you're an absolute unit; but _imagine_ this. You wouldn't even have to  _move_. Just  _poof!_ and everything would be clean."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist," he says. "Do you need something?"

"I just wanted to check your progress," I say, frantically writing down my brilliant idea. "You can go back to your interpretive dance now."

"Interpretive— _it's Tai Chi_."

I practically run to the other side of the house where the gardens are. James is watering some plants when I get there. With all the flowers and the soft sunlight, he looks even more elegant than usual. It's all very nice, but there are more pressing matters at hand.

"James! You know a lot of things!"

He looks up, startled. Then he smiles. "Oh, thank you...?"

"Do you know of any magic that instantly cleans things?"

"None that I have ever seen," he says, "but perhaps it exists somewhere."

I frown. I thought for sure there were some sort of demon maids that used their supernatural abilities to clean. Someone should really figure out a spell or something for that.

James gives me the same concerned look as Sam did. "Miss, there is no need to worry about the cleaning. My brothers and I are more than happy to assist you."

"That's not—" I cut myself off with a sigh.

"Are you feeling well, miss?" he asks. "Perhaps you should rest; it has been a stressful day for you."

I nod. I turn to go back inside, but then I stop. "Hey, James?"

"Yes?"

"Can you make waffles?"

After stuffing me with waffles, James assures me once again that he and his brothers will take care of the party preparations. I must look pretty exhausted. But it has been an eventful past two days, hasn't it?

"Once the party is over," James says, "there will no longer be anything to worry about."

I nod. "You're right."

After springing this surprise on me, Dad will probably give me me break for a while. As for the incuboys, I've really started to enjoy their company; I know I can get used to living with them.

Yes. After today, I can properly settle into my new life. There won't be anything else to worry about, right?

Right?

* * *

The party is going swimmingly. Of course, this did end up being less about housewarming and more about Dad's dream that I become the next CEO of Grandfather's company. So I  _am_ being subject to incessant interrogation on my plans to go to college and take over the Anderson Toy Company, but Dad looks happy. Plus, the incuboys are playing their roles as servants well, and I finally have an excuse to wear this adorable red dress. All in all, not a disaster.

Mom makes her way over to me. She smiles, but it falters slightly. Oof. Maybe I spoke too soon.

"Is everything okay, Mom?" I ask when she reaches me.

"Oh, yes," she says with a more convincing smile. "Your father is quite impressed, honey. It's just...I wanted you to meet this nice young man interested in the company, but I can't seem to find him."

I suppress the urge to sigh aloud. Is that all?

"Maybe he had to leave early," I suggest.

She nods. "That's probably it. I was so hoping you could meet him, though."

"I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to meet him."

"Yes, well, the company aside, how have you been?"

I sigh. "Tired. I'll be glad when all this is over."

"One of the most important jobs a host has is the job of kicking everyone out at the end."

We both laugh.

Once it seems everyone has asked me all the same questions, I stick to Suzu and Naomi as much as possible.

"You saved me," I say, dramatically clutching my chest. "You saved me from the worst fate of all!"

"And what fate is that?" Naomi asks.

"Boredom."

Suzu frowns. "Oh, but I brought Patterson with me?"

"Hey!"

Suzu and I laugh. Naomi shakes her head, but smiles all the same.

Finally, the party ends. I'm feeling pretty good about it too. I mean, I still want to sleep for a week, but I feel like I could sleep blissfully.

"Thanks for all your help, guys," I say. Of course, the incuboys (love that) had insisted on helping me clean up. Not to mention they had worked the whole party. Well, actually...I feel like Erik  _did_ disappear at one point, but he's done so much already, I'm not about to complain. (I'm not sure I want to know, anyway.)

Sam nods. "Yeah, how long do we have to keep cleaning up around here?"

"Sam!" James scolds.

I laugh. "Your official cleaning schedules will be drawn up in the morning."

"Will you even be awake in the morning?" Sam asks.

"Oh, I'll sleep in for sure." As if on cue, I yawn. "Ugh. The next unexpected thing that shows up to make my life more difficult is going to get punched in the face."

Also as if on cue, the front door swings open. Hm. Could have sworn I locked that.

"So this is where you pretty boys have been hiding!"

We all turn to see a sneering man with blood-red skin who could not have looked more like trouble if the word "trouble" was written on his forehead. Whoever he is, he's not human. And he's not welcome in my home.

"Oh, and who's this—" He is promptly cut off by my fist in his face.

I mean, I said I would, didn't I?

The not-human guy screams with rage. In an instant, this  _absolute madman_ has a gun pointed at me. I only have time to think " _oh, shit_ _, that's not good_ " before I hear a distinct click.

And then a whole lot of nothing happens.

After this brief moment of nothing, several things happen. I scramble away from the guy as he growls and glares at his gun like it has scorned his ancestors. In the following cacophony of various yells, I notice that he is accompanied by a similarly red-skinned woman. She looks no less threatening, but she also didn't try to shoot me in the face, so she's my favorite.

James—of course it's James—steps up to face the not-human guy. "This place is protected, Malix. Your magic will not work on these grounds."

"What?" Malix and I both ask.

"Haha, jinx!" I yell. Bold words for someone currently hiding behind Damien, but it needed to be said.

Malix growls—he really likes doing that—and tries his gun again, this time aiming at James. It still doesn't work, but I don't appreciate him trying to hurt James.

I step out from behind Damien. "Sir! That is my emotional support incubus!"

"It's not going to work, Malix," the woman says, ignoring my complaints. "This place really does have some sort of seal on it."

"Yeah!" I shout. "Not in my good, Christian household!"

She stares at me. "What exactly about housing five incubi makes this a 'good, Christian household'?"

Mm. She has me there.

"Would you stop yelling, you stupid bitch?!" Malix (ironically) yells.

"If you don't like it, you can always leave!"

"Shut up!"

"No!"

"Augh! I'll get you pretty boys later! Come on, Eris!"

And then they just leave.

The incuboys stare at me in disbelief.

"So who was that?" I ask.


	4. A Devil of a Good Time (huehue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika continues to annoy Malix. Also, Mika makes an interesting discovery at the mansion. Puns and possibly Ouija boards in the house of the incubi.

It feels strange to go back to school after everything. What am I supposed to say when someone asks how I've been doing? "Fine, I guess, but I'm living in my late grandfather's mansion with five incubi now, and they're being hunted by devils who tried to attack me, so  _that's_ weird"? It's not ideal.

I am grateful that nothing of note happened yesterday. It gave me time to relax, finish my homework, and cope with the realization that I shouted memes at two Satan-spawn bounty hunters who are after my new demon friends. Productive, but not particularly stressful, which is the most I can hope for nowadays.

My time at school passes leisurely. Well, for the most part. Suzu, Naomi, and I are walking through the halls when suddenly someone thinks it would be very cool and mature to trip me and make me drop my books. I know without looking up that it's Lisette, the girl who has consistently since we were small children thought it would be very cool and mature to do shit like this. Honestly, it's stupid. Especially after facing an actual threat to my life.

I gather my books and meet her piercing glare. Like, she really thinks she's intimidating or something. It's kind of sad.

"This is all just kind of sad," I tell her with a half-hearted shrug. I leave her with that. Suzu grumbles about wanting to get back at Lisette, and Naomi, of course, applauds me for my collected response. I'm happy to let them believe that I face my adversaries with a cool sort of indifference. They don't have to know about what happened with Malix.

Once school is over, I get a text from Dad saying he'll pick me up. I smile at that. It's not often that he goes out of his way to do things for me, so even though I was planning on hanging out with Suzu and Naomi, I take up his offer.

I wait outside, humming a cheery tune and devising a plan to sneak Simon Tabby into school with me tomorrow. I'm having a grand old time right up until the point where I get kidnapped.

I only get a glimpse of my attackers before I am unceremoniously blindfolded. It's the devil woman from before—what was her name?—and a few other devils I am not acquainted with. Hm. I probably should have seen something like this coming.

When they unbound me, I'm in an old warehouse, which is quite the creative setting. I suppose when you have guns and the fires of Hell, you don't really need imagination, but this doesn't stop me from silently judging them. From where I sit, I can see a group of devils, the woman that kidnapped me (Eros? Is that her name?), and—

"Why, hello there," Malix says, sneering down at me.

"Hey." Because why not?

He cackles. "And now those damned pretty boys will come looking for you, only to find you dead." He presses his gun to my forehead. "I can't  _wait_ to shut you up."

"The feeling is mutual," I say. I'm struggling to keep my voice level, but hey, if I'm going to die now, I might as well die knowing I fought back, right? Not to mention I have a reputation to uphold with this guy.

With this in mind, I leap up and kick him directly in the face, letting out a deafening war cry. "YEET!"

To my absolute joy, Malix's gun flies out of his hand. Of course this is good for my survival, but also, the fact that something did, in fact, yeet when I shouted "yeet" makes the action so perfect in its yeet-ness that I feel I have achieved maximum yeet. I won't even be mad when Malix kills me if these are my dying thoughts.

The other devils in the room begin to react, but Eros(?) holds up a hand to stop them. "Malix can handle this himself!" she declares.

Malix does indeed handle this himself. Or rather, he tries to. I fight with the fierceness of an animal fighting for its life, but even so, I feel like he isn't as good at this as I thought. Naomi probably wouldn't be as impressed with my decision to fight without a plan as she was with how I handled Lisette. On the other hand, Suzu would probably be very impressed. I hope I'm radiating as much chaotic energy as she does.

The fight ends suddenly, and it ends with Malix standing over me, smirking. I guess he's too tired for a full-on cackle. I'm about to make a sassy comment because it would be the only on-brand last words I could say when a police siren rang out, stopping the entire scene. I figure this would be bad for Malix, but he grins and turns to his companions.

"Have your fun, boys! Make sure to kill them all!"

Oof.

Eros snaps her fingers, and everyone freezes again. "Enough, Malix."

Oof?

"This is getting us nowhere," she says. "I'm leaving and taking everyone with me."

"Like hell you are!" Malix shouts. I must say, it's nice to see that shit-eating grin leave his face.

Despite Malix's protests, the other devils are under Eros's control. He switches from yelling at her to outright attacking her, and I kind of start to feel forgotten. I'm not disappointed, just surprised. Unfortunately for Malix, Eros bests him easily.

"You can't even beat one little human," Eros growls, holding Malix by his neck. I resist the urge to applaud. She turns to me. "Go home to your pretty boys, human."

"O-Okay. Um. Thanks, Eros."

She wrinkled her nose. "What did you call me?"

Becoming more flustered by the second, I stammer, "Um, I called—called you Eros? Is that...not your name?"

"It's Eris."

"Oh! Sorry, Miss Eris. And thank you."

Without another word, Eris disappears, taking Malix and the other devils with her. I'm left to wonder both how it is I survived and how it is that one devil woman could be so cool.

The doors to the warehouse burst open. "Mika!"

I turn to the incuboys and grin. "Hey there, demons! It's me, ya boy!"

* * *

"Really, I'm fine." I insist. "A little shaken up, but fine."

James won't hear any of it. Within moments of arriving at the mansion, he had me wrapped up in blankets with a cup of hot chocolate. I'm not complaining, but I can't help but feel like I have acquired a second mother.

"What happened?" Sam asks. "They just whisked you away the minute you were alone?"

"Pretty much. Then all  _hell_  broke loose." I look to see if anyone caught my pun, but no one says anything.

"Is there anything else I can get you, miss?" James asks.

I think for a moment. "Oh!  _Deviled_ eggs?"

They all stare at me like they're starting to wish Malix had killed me.

Finally, Erik sighs. "If she's well enough to make puns, we shouldn't worry."

I nod. "Casanova's right."

"Are we going back to nicknames...?"

"Heh. Maybe."

"Yeah, she's fine," Sam sighs.

James still doesn't look convinced. "Perhaps we should leave after all," he says.

Suddenly, I'm not in the mood to make puns anymore. Which is odd and quite frankly unprecedented.

"Hey, you don't have to leave," I say. "I mean, if you want to, sure, but...." I look around in hopes of finding an argument.

"We are putting you in danger being here," Damien points out.

I gasp theatrically. "You too, Damien?" The silence is deafening. "Okay, all jokes aside, you _can_ stay. Eris seemed pretty set on abandoning their hunt, or whatever it's called, so we should be fine. Plus, the mansion is protected. Everything's fine."

"If you are sure," James says.

"I'm sure! Besides, I'm involved now. I would miss you guys."

"Thank you, miss."

That seems to lift the mood a bit. Also, I think I hear a quiet "aww," but I can't figure out who it came from. I'll find you, you sentimental bastard.

"Well!" I stand, letting the blankets cascade to the floor in what I imagine is a majestic manner. "If that settles it, then I'll be going."

"All right," James says, "but please refrain from leaving blankets on the floor."

"Yes, mother."

"So we _are_ going back to nicknames?" Erik asks.

* * *

At this point, I have accepted the fact that my life now reads like a fantasy novel, but there is something I'm confused about. The incuboys had explained about Grandfather being involved in all this magic stuff, the mansion being protected and all that, and now I'm wondering if there is anything in his study that might relate to it. Maybe there are some charms or something. Or a Ouija board. Ooh, I hope there's a Ouija board.

The study is filled with bookcases, but I think the most interesting things would be in Grandfather's desk. Not sure where one keeps a Ouija board, though. And back to the whole Ouija board thing, are there only specific demons I can summon with that? Like is that Zozo demon the only one who responds to Ouija boards, or could I summon Matthew? If I don't find a Ouija board here, I might have to buy one just to see.

I plop down on Grandfather's chair. There's a pang of nostalgia in my chest as I run my hand along the surface of the desk. How many secrets was he hiding? I smile and open one of the drawers to find it filled with books. I give all of them a brief survey, but none of them look terribly interesting. I open a different drawer to find— _gasp!_ —more books. Seriously, this is just the book room. There are probably books in the seat cushions. As I think this, I find a journal tucked away beneath some sort of ledger.

"Well, hello!" I sang, flipping open the journal. I must say, everything inside looks promising. It's not a Ouija board, but there are entries about demon magic. Spells for protection, dream work, a spell about— _oh. My. Goodness!_

I run out into the hall, clutching the journal to my chest. "Sam! SAM!!"

" _WHAT?!_ "

"COME HERE RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY THIS IS IMPORTANT!"

"THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

"IT'S  _IMPORTANT!!_ "

Sam appears, looking harassed. "What is it?"

"Look!" I shove the journal in his face.

"It's a book."

"Yeah, but look at the  _words_ on the book!"

He sighs and puts a hand to his forehead. "I can look, but I can't read them."

"Oh. You can't read?"

"No."

I frown. "I thought James said you guys were, like, royalty in the demon world."

"Yes."

"Huh. Well, that's not important right now! What's important is that this is talking about a spell."

I stare at him, hoping to prompt a question. He stares back.

"What?" he asks. "Is that it?"

"Hehe, I thought you'd never ask! You see—" I pause for dramatic effect. "—this is a spell for  _cleaning._ "

Sam looks strangely unimpressed. "So you found your cleaning magic? That's what was so damn important?"

"Well, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound as cool."

I must look pathetic because he gives my head a half-hearted pat. "Congratulations," he says.

"Thanks. Oh! I have to tell James!"

He laughs. Okay, not really. It's more of a pained chuckle.

"You're just as bad as Matthew," he says.

"Hm? Meaning?"

"You're both...." He starts to say something, looks at me, and then seems to think better of it. "Uh...cute?"

"Oh, thanks!" I grin, and he nods like this was the proper reaction. Somehow, I can't help but feel like that's not what he was going to say originally. Anyway, there is something I need to know before I can let him go.

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you know about Ouija boards?"


	5. Valentine's Day Mini-Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I felt like it. The next chapter will come out at the end of this week as scheduled.  
> Happy Valentine's Day!

"I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

I grin, surveying the group of incubois and Simon Tabby. Hidden expertly behind my back is a bag of chocolates I've bought for everyone.

"Does it have something to do with the bag you're hiding?" Matthew asks.

Okay, maybe not  _expertly_ hidden.

"Yes, it does," I say, sheepishly letting my arms fall to my sides. "It's Valentine's Day!"

I'm met with a confused silence. I figured they wouldn't know what Valentine's Day was, so I prepared an explanation.

"Okay, so Valentine's Day is a holiday where you eat chocolate in the name of love." While saying this, I pull a box of chocolate out of the bag and flourish it in air. "You may now applaud."

This time, I'm met with some polite applause, mostly from Damien.

James tilts his head in consideration. "I believe I may have heard of this before."

"Yeah?" I ask, pointedly turning my attention to the chocolate and doing my best to ignore the growing heat in my cheeks.

"Yes," he says. "Is it not the celebration of romantic love?"

Erik perks up at this. "It is?"

I wave my hand in dismissal. "Sure, sure, but it's not unusual for friends and family members to give each other gifts too. So, James, if you knew about Valentine's Day, why didn't we get anything from you?"

"Oh, my apologies. I had heard of it, but I did not know when it was."

"Ah, makes sense," I say, hoping no one notices the relief in my voice. I sort out the chocolate, giving the biggest box to my beautiful son, Simon Tabby.

"Wait, wait," Sam cuts in. "Why does the bunny thing get chocolate?"

I turn to him, incredulous. "Because I love him."

"Why?"

"Simon Tabby is a very important member of this family! Now take your chocolate and shush, grumpy-butt."

"Does Simon...eat?" Damien asks.

"Oddly enough, yes."

"Sometimes he steals food," Matthew says, a vacant look in his eyes. I pat his head and hand him a box of chocolate.

"Here you go, sunshine child," I say, giving a box to Damien. He smiles and thanks me, and it's so pure that I actually feel my skin clear, my grades go up, and my crops begin to flourish.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mom," I say, giving a box to James.

"Is that nickname is out of affection or mockery?"

I pat his head. "Yes."

Erik is smirking when I walk around the table to give him his chocolate, which is never a good sign.

"Here's your chocolate; you're not getting anything else."

"Thank you, princess," he says, pointedly ignoring my second statement. "By the way, wouldn't be a shame for one to be alone on the night of Valentine's Day?"

"Erik. We've had this discussion. I'm still ace, even on Valentine's Day."

"Oh, I know. I wasn't talking about you."

We all stare at him, suddenly interested in his flirting. A first for everyone present.

"I was talking about that lovely young businessman from your party. Didn't you get to meet him? Andrew Lewis?"

I frown. That name sounds sort of familiar, but I can't put a face to it.

_Wait._

"No," I say, "I didn't meet him. I  _thought_ he didn't show up."

Erik raises an eyebrow. "Oh? Well, perhaps that was my fault...."

I bury my face in my hands. "Okay! Never mind! We are no longer discussing this!"

"Hmm, perhaps I should pay him a visit," Erik says. I can hear the smile in his voice, and if he's not careful, I'll smack it straight off of him.

"I don't care what you— _wait, no._ " I take my hands away from my face. "Maybe you should, uh, wait until next year?"

He frowns. "Why?"

"Because"—I glance down at my wrist as if checking a watch, which I don't have—"it's getting late! He's probably asleep by now."

"It's the middle of the afternoon," Sam ever-so-helpfully points out.

"What did I say, Sam? Take your chocolate and  _hush._ Now hush!"

He tilts his head. "Hiding something?"

"No!"

"Perhaps you want me all to yourself after all?" Erik asks.

"No!"

"Is everything all right, miss?" James asks.

"No! I mean, yes!"

I look around frantically, considering escape. Yes, that would be completely inconspicuous.

"It's not that bad, Mika," Damien says.

I stare at him. "What's not that bad? What do you know? Who told you? Who do you work for?"

"Mind-reading," he explains with a smile.

Mind-reading?

Oh.

OH! DAMN IT! HOW COULD I FORGET?!

I sit down in the nearest chair and bury my face in my hands. "Just tell them, Damien," I grumble.

"It's really not that bad," he assures me. I can't believe this beautiful sunshine angel thanked me for the chocolate with a smile, knowing everything.

"What happened?" Matthew asks.

"Valentine's Day was yesterday," Damien says. "Mika wanted to buy the chocolate discount, so she decided to celebrate it today."

I slump forward on the table with my arms stretched out. "Sorry, guys."

I feel someone take my hands. I look up to see Matthew, staring at me with a serious expression on his face.

"Mika," he says, "that was  _very_ cash money of you."

"Not really...?"

"But you did it to save money. Cash money."

I open my mouth to object, but I change my mind. "Thanks, Matthew."


	6. I Seriously Cannot Catch a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A beautiful intruder visits Mika. Will she ever get a moment of rest? Mystery and hot chocolate in the house of the incubi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit short this time. The real action will be in the next chapter :3  
> Enjoy~

I'm having a wonderful dream about Danny DeVito releasing a line of vampire-themed clothing when I am rudely awakened by a soft chuckle. At first, I think it might be Danny DeVito coming for my blood and personal aesthetic choices, but the figure standing above me too tall, too feminine. I suppose she could be one of the vampire models coming for my blood and personal aesthetic choices, but at this point, I've realized that I am no longer dreaming.

"Can I help you?" I ask, rubbing sleep from my eyes.

"You could," the figure says, "but it would come at a price."

Huh. One problem gone, another takes its place. Honestly, those incuboys are lucky they're worth all this trouble.

"You know what? A week ago, you would have terrified me. But I have lots of experience with home invasion now, so tell me what you need, and I'll see what I can do."

The figure chuckles. "You are an interesting one. That must be why they like you."

"Why who likes me?"

"The boys, of course."

"The boys who?"

"The incubi. You know, the ones living in your house."

"Oh! You've got to call them 'the incuboys.' Otherwise, I won't know who you're talking about. Hey, do you want some hot chocolate?"

"I'm not here for pleasantries, human," she says.

I stand and make my way to the door. "Well,  _I_ want hot chocolate. So if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to come with me."

Once she steps into the light, I can see that she's breathtakingly beautiful. I can also see that she's not amused by this turn of events. But honestly, it serves her right. I didn't get to sleep long enough to see if Danny DeVito's vampire line won in the CFDA Fashion Awards.

"Who are you, anyway?" I ask, surveying the pantry for hot chocolate mix.

"You can call me Diana."

"I'm Mika. Are you a demon?"

"Indeed I am," she says, leaning on the counter. "A succubus, actually."

"Oh, cool. Hey, you're tall."

"Yes, I am."

"Can you get that box on the top shelf for me? I think sometimes Erik forgets we can't all be six feet tall."

Diana narrows her eyes. "I am not a servant."

"No, but you clearly want something from me, and I'm not going to give whatever it is to you until you get me my hot chocolate mix."

Diana's eyes widen for a moment, and then she laughs. "Oh, you silly little human. You misunderstand. I will take what I came here for whether you like it or not."

"Mm-hm, okay. Just promise not to tell to James about this."

I step up on one of the pantry shelves, reaching for the box of hot chocolate mix.

"Which one is 'James'?" she asks. "Those aren't their real names, you know."

"They aren't? That explains a lot." I had always wondered why they didn't have cool demon names. Despite Diana's uncaring demeanor, I'm really enjoying talking to her. "Uhh, James is the one who has the exact energy of an exasperated middle-class mother trying to keep order while her children wreak havoc on a block party."

"Oh, the eldest brother."

"Yeah! Last chance for hot chocolate, Diana."

She snorts. "I have no interest in your 'hot chocolate'."

"If you say so."

"Now, if you are finished with this nonsense, it is time I tell you why I'm here."

"Go ahead."

Diana flicks her hair behind her shoulder and smiles. "I am here to take the boys back to the Abyssal Plains. You have no right to keep them in this world; they do not belong here."

"Who?"

She stares at me. "The  _incuboys._ "

"Oh!" I exclaim. "You could have just said so. But I'm not keeping them here. They're here because they want to be."

"This is not their world. They must come back to the Abyssal Plains."

I frown. "Why do you care about all of this?"

"I am a princess," Diana says, "and I must marry one of them. This is what needs to happen, and I cannot have a worthless little human ruining my plans."

My mouth falls open. "Oh! I had no idea! Who are you in love with?"

"In love? No. God, no. This marriage has nothing to do with love."

Well, that's disappointing.

"What does it have to do with?" I ask.

"Things you wouldn't understand."

I'd be lying if I said her words didn't trouble me. I would miss the incuboys if they left, but more than that....

"They told me they left because they hated it in the Abyssal Plains," I say. "You'd have to talk to them about it, but if you're planning on forcing them back, I will have to stop you."

Diana chuckles. "The little human is going to stop me. I'm terrified."

"I've fought devils before," I say. "I don't want to fight you, though; I like you. I'm sure we can figure this all out."

"You... _like_ me?" she asks.

"Yeah, you seem cool. And I'm sure you have a good reason for wanting to marry one of the incuboys, even if it's not love."

Diana takes a step closer, eyeing me up and down. "You really are an interesting one." She tilts her head. "But your sexual energy is very weak. Are you aware of that?"

"I've been told it's non-existent."

She leans in a bit closer. "Is it...?" She pauses, her face mere inches from my own. "Hmm. How strange."

I laugh. "You took that a lot better than the incuboys did."

"They are fools," Diana says, moving away from me again. It might be my imagination, but I think I see her smile. A genuine smile, not a mocking one.

I laugh again. "You're funny, Diana. Here, I put sprinkles in your hot chocolate."

"I told you I didn't want any."

"But you look like you could use it." I hold it out to her, and she inspects it with suspicion. Do they have hot chocolate in the Abyssal Plains? Erik sure seems to like it.

Diana gingerly accepts the mug. "I drink this?" she asks.

"Yeah." I take a sip of my own to show her that it's not poison. "It's hot, though, so be careful."

"Yes, I understood that from the name and the fact that it feels hot in hands, Mika."

I gasp, nearly spilling my hot chocolate. "You used my name!"

"Did not."

"You did!"

"No."

"Yes! I heard it!"

"You are mistaken, you foolish human."

"Mika?"

Diana and I turn to see Sam standing in the doorway. His eyes widen as he surveys the scene before him, and then in the blink of an eye, he's standing in front of me.

"You!" he yells at Diana. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"It's okay!" I tell him. "Sam, it's fine! We're friends."

"You are?" he asks at the same time Diana asks, "We are?"

" _Yes_."

"Is everything okay?"

The three of us turn to see Damien, a worried expression on his face. "It's as I thought," he says.

I sigh and step out from behind Sam. "All right, everyone. Family meeting."


	7. Found Family Fluff? In *My* Crack Fic? It's More Likely Than You Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone discusses how best to continue (except Matthew because he keeps falling asleep). Also, Mika adopts a new member into her found family. Hot chocolate and denouements in the house of the incubi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near! I'll post a cute little epilogue tomorrow, but this pretty much it. Thank you so much for sticking through to the end; I never would have finished this without all the support I got :D  
> Enjoy~

I'd like to imagine I have everyone's attention, but Matthew is falling asleep, and Erik is trying to pretend he isn't upset that I made hot chocolate without him, as if the last time I woke him up at midnight for hot chocolate didn't end in him throwing a pillow at me and grumbling about "beauty sleep."  _Diva._

"So," I say in the most authoritative voice I can muster while addressing sleepy and slightly annoyed demons, "does anyone want to tell me what's going on? With all this marriage and stealing people back into the Abyssal Plains stuff?"

"It's just as I told you," Diana says. "I need to take them back; they do not belong here."

"We're not going back," Sam insists. "That's it. Now get the hell out of our house."

Maybe it's all the stress and the late-night hot chocolate excursions, but Sam calling the mansion "our house" makes me tear up a bit.

"Look, you made the poor dear cry," Diana says, patting my shoulder.

"It's fine! I'm fine!" I wipe my eyes. "I'm just tired. Sam. Don't be mean. Diana. You want to take the incubois back because you have to marry one of them, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"But you don't really want to marry any of them, right?"

"Not at all. Would you?"

"Well, probably not, no."

Erik scoffs. "We're right here!"

"I don't blame you two," Damien says with a defeated sigh.

"Wait, no!" I exclaim. "I take it back! I would marry Damien." I pat the sweet sunshine boy's hand. "Anyone would be lucky to have you, Damien."

He smiles, although he looks more confused than reassured.

"But not the rest of us?" Sam asks.

James clears his throat. "I believe we have gotten off topic."

"We're finishing this discussion later, though," Erik says, earning a nod from Sam.

Good lord, what have I done?

"Sam is right," James says. "We want to stay here, in the human world. You cannot force us to come back, and I would appreciate it if you refrained from breaking in to threaten Mika."

Diana turns to me. "He really does act like an exhausted mother."

"Doesn't he?!"

James sighs and puts his head in his hands.

"That right there: pure mom energy," I tell Diana. She nods in agreement.

"Now she's distracting you!" Sam yells.

Matthew stirs, lifting his head from the table. "Shut _up_ , Sam. You're too loud."

"I feel as though the real disturbance here is you," Diana says with a pointed sip of her hot chocolate. I can feel Erik glare, envious of every last sprinkle. This is getting out of hand.

"If we're going to come to an agreement, you all have to stop fighting," I say.

"Well, they can't keep hiding here forever," Diana insists. "In fact, it is quite selfish of them to—"

"Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!"

" _Sam_ ," I plead.

"Don't I? I know more than you would like to think, brute."

" _Diana!_ " I'm starting to feel how James must feel all the time.

"If everyone is just going to fight, I'm going to make hot chocolate," Erik says, standing.

Matthew immediately sits up. "Is it over? I'm going to sleep."

"You were sleeping the whole time, anyway," Sam points out.

"I was  _trying._ "

Diana stands, surveying everyone with a critical glare. "You remain stubborn," she says, "but you will come back to me." With that, she disappears, leaving us all staring into empty space as we try to figure out what just happened.

James sighs again. "She took the mug."

* * *

I stand on the balcony outside my room. It's so picturesque that I'm surprised I haven't stood staring out into the night like a melodramatic Juliet waiting for Romeo before. Of course, in my case, "Romeo" is the late-night pizza delivery I've ordered to console myself.

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to mediate between the incubois and Diana. I mean, is it really my business? Diana _did_ break into _my_ mansion to talk to _me_ , but I don't know anything about the Abyssal Plains or its politics.

A soft knock on my door shakes me from my thoughts.

 _Wow,_ I think,  _the pizza delivers straight to my bedroom door?_ And then I realize my mistake and wonder if I should cancel my order and go to sleep.

Nah. I want pizza.

I open the door to see Damien, looking worried and more than a little tired. Like all of us, probably.

"Hi, Mika," he says. "I just came to see if you wanted someone to talk to. You seem worried."

"Mind-reading?" I ask.

He nods. "Your mind is very loud."

"Sorry. You can come in; I ordered pizza, and I probably bought far more than I need."

"Thank you."

Damien follows me out onto the balcony. "I'm sorry you had to get involved in all of this," he says.

"Don't be. We've already established that letting you guys stay here will get me involved in weird supernatural stuff." I sigh. "I'm just worried about Diana. She's going out of her way to come after you, and for what? So she can tied down by an unwanted marriage out of a sense of duty?" I sigh again.

"You got attached to her quickly," Damien says with a chuckle.

"Well, she's really cool."

"I'm not going to argue with that."

"But you all shouldn't have to go back to the Abyssal Plains if you don't want to.... I don't know. I just want us all to be friends."

Damien remains quiet. I look over to see him staring at me with an incredulous smile on his face.

"And you call  _me_ a sweet sunshine child."

I reach over and squish his face between my hands. "Because you are!"

We both laugh, but our amusement is cut off by the doorbell ringing. I gasp and turn to the door, exclaiming, "Romeo!"

"Erik?" Damien asks.

I laugh again. "No, my pizza." I start toward the door, but then I stop and turn back to Damien. "You knew I meant the pizza; you can read minds."

"Yes, but I figured it would make you laugh."

I place a hand over my heart and pretend to cry. "Precious cinnamon roll...too good...too pure...!"

Damien smiles. "We shouldn't make the delivery person wait."

"Right, I'll go get it. And Damien?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

* * *

I. Am. Exhausted. And I didn't even have cool dreams about Danny DeVito.

Simon Tabby eyes me curiously from his spot on my bedside table. It seems we're both questioning why I would stay awake eating pizza until sunrise, especially after the whole ordeal with Diana and the incubois.

"Don't be like me, Simon," I say, staring blankly at the ceiling. "Be a responsible young lad and acquire healthy sleeping patterns."

I peel myself off the bed and make my way to the door, stopping briefly to pat Simon Tabby's head. I'm not hungry after eating seven-eighths of a pizza only a few hours earlier. Damien only ate one slice, and I couldn't let the rest go to waste, so whose fault is it really?

Okay, it was my fault. I shouldn't have ordered so much. Anyway.

"What's up, demons, it's—did I use that joke already?"

"Good morning, miss," James says, the first to greet me, as usual. "And, yes, you have already used that joke."

"Rad. Thanks, James."

"Good morning, Mika."

I blink and look around the dining room. That sounded like—

"Diana!" I exclaim. "You're back!"

"How could I stay away?" she asks. Her voice is dripping in sarcasm, but her smile looks genuine if you ask me.

"We summoned her with a Ouija board!" Matthew chimes in.

I gasp. "Really? That really does work?!"

"Obviously," Diana says.

"An unorthodox approach," James says, "but we figured we might as well test your theory. This is for you, after all."

"So no fighting?" I ask.

James looks pointedly at Sam. He shrugs and agrees.

"I would still rather that they came with me," Diana says, "but it seems that's not going to happen."

I frown. "Are you going back to the Abyssal Plains, then?"

"I have to. I, for one, cannot abandon my duties."

Erik glares at her from over a mug of hot chocolate overflowing with whipped cream and sprinkles. "We called a truce, Diana," he reminds her. 

"My bad." She turns back to me. "Be careful not to get too used to my absence, human. I will be visiting whenever possible."

I run up and throw my arms around her. "Thank you!"

"Don't thank me. Thank...what's the name the one whose smile radiates sunshine is using?"

"Damien?"

She nods. "Sure. He's the one who insisted we play nice for your sake."

Damien, who has been watching us with a sunshine-y smile, is completely unprepared for running hug attack. We almost fall to the floor, but I'm too busy being happy to take note of my near-death experience.

"Thank you, Damien! You're a good egg!"

"Thanks," he laughs.

"'Egg'?" Sam asks. "Why an egg?"

"Because his goodness is no _yolk_."

"He's not _shell_ -fish," Matthew offers.

"Haha, yeah!"

Sam sighs. "I'm sorry I asked."

"You're a good egg too, Sam."

"Thanks?"

We have reached the maximum level of bonding.

"Well, this is nice, but Auntie Diana has to leave now."

"Auntie Diana," I repeat, completely taken by the name.

"Nicknames stick around Mika," Erik warns.

"Hush, Casanova. Do you want any hot chocolate before you leave, Auntie Diana?"

"Not until she brings back the mug she took last night," James cuts in.

Diana chuckles. "Silly me. I'll make sure to bring that back next time."

"Stay safe, Diana," I say. "If you don't visit soon, I'll be forced to summon you with the Ouija board."

"Your threats continue to terrify me."

Diana disappears with a smile I can only describe as "warm." I catch a few fond smiles from the incubois, but I know they would deny it if I pointed them out.

"Well," Erik says, finally breaking the silence, "I think it's time you explain what this being unwilling to marry any of us except Damien nonsense is about."

"Huh? What?" I busy myself with preparing a piece of toast I don't want.

"I am interesting in hearing the reasoning behind that," James says with a mischievous smile I didn't think he was capable of.

"Me too, honestly," Damien says.

I make a great show of taking an apple from the table and declaring, "I must go bring this to Simon Tabby now! And then I really must be getting ready to go to school!"

"It's Saturday, doofus," Sam points out.

"What? Huh? I can't hear you over the sound of me really needing to leave!"

"You can't hide from us forever, Mika," Matthew says with a laugh.

"What do you know?" I ask. "You were sleeping during that conversation."

"I was  _trying._ "

Despite their protests, I hurry off to give Simon Tabby the apple and conveniently disappear for the next few hours while they forget about the whole thing. But they are right about thing: I can't hide from them forever, not if they live under the same roof as me. I can't help but smile as I think this. I hope they stay for a long time.

~The End~


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The excitement over, life goes on in the house of the incubi.

"I can't believe it's come to this," Sam growls. "We never should have come here."

"Oh, it's worse than that, Sam," I say. "You're going to wish you were never even born."

Diana places a hand on my shoulder. "Do it, Mika. Avenge me."

"It's what he deserves," Matthew adds with a solemn nod.

Sam gasps and turns to him. "I thought you were on my side!"

"You  _thought._ "

"Fucking traitor! We're brothers!"

"Family no longer matters!" I yell, taking hold of Matthew's hand.

James stares at us from his spot on the sofa. "Could you all please calm down? This is just a card game."

All four of us gasp in unison. " _Just_ a card game?" I shout. "This is Uno!"

"You're trying to downplay its importance because you lost to Matthew," Diana accuses.

Matthew stares at her. "What are you saying?" he demands.

Sam laughs. "At least he didn't lose to a stuffed animal."

For the first time in about twenty minutes, Erik sits up from where he's curled into a pile of blankets. "Shut up, Sam! Mika, destroy him!"

"Why is everyone against me?!"

"Because you keep winning," Damien says, handing Erik what must be his hundredth chocolate chip cookie. Losing to Simon Tabby really hit him hard.

"Give it to him, Mika," Diana insists. I glance over at her to see a malevolent gleam in her eyes. Even though she's on my side, I'm honestly a little frightened.

Taking a deep breath for dramatic effect, I throw down my +4 card. I stare directly into Sam's eyes, watching the light within them die, and say, "Uno."

Everyone loses their minds. Even James can't help but smile as he shakes his head at us. Sam and I quickly finish the game, and the grand Uno tournament comes to an astonishing end.

"You did it!" Matthew exclaims. "This one sparks joy."

"Good job, Mika," Sam says with a laugh.

Matthew gives him a pointed look. "This one does not spark joy."

"At least I'm not pouting like you were."

Diana sighs. "You two never change, do you?"

I hum happily to myself as I gather the cards. I'm so used to having the incuboys with me that I can't imagine what life would have been like had they not ended up here. Diana visits whenever she can, and she has quickly become a regular member of the household.

I really love these idiots, don't I?

"I say we play a game with more strategy this time," James says with a mischievous grin.

"Like what?" Erik asks, finally standing and putting an end to his moping.

"Monopoly."

Oh,  _god._

~The End~

~For real this time~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading _In the House of the Incubi_!


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